Inconsolable….Unconditional Love

The past few days I’ve been quite solemn. Each day, I logged into WordPress-hoping that writing would ease the pain. And each day, I was incapable of putting my emotions into words. After an hour of quite literally breaking down and sobbing today, I am finally able to write.

September 3rd, I awoke and immediately felt something was not right. I was very sad throughout the day and nothing could comfort me. The day after, it was the same. It was only when I looked at a calender, that I understood why. September third was my daughters 5th birthday. Her second birthday was the last we celebrated together. And it has been nearly three years since I’ve seen her. I keep hoping each year will become easier, that has yet to happen. You see, once you become a parent, you are always a parent. And its even more difficult when your child is no longer with you.

As I sit and type this post, I know if given another chance-I’d do it all over again. Even if the end result would be the same. The day I said Yes to taking care of her, was one of the best days of my life. Sure single parenthood and in another country had its challenges, but the rewards far outweighed them. I had an opportunity to be the mother of this happy, bouncing, amazing little girl. And as far as I can remember, I would not have done anything differently.

Often times, I find myself imagining what her days must be like. And of course, my mind always goes to this: Is she healthy, Is she happy, Does she remember me? While holding hands and walking with my niece this summer, she said to me, “Auntie, do you remember when you had me at school with you?” I turned and looked at her and smiled. My niece is now almost ten years old, she spent time with me at university between the ages of 10 months and 3 years.  If she has memories from that young, it is possible that my daughter still remembers me. I know have a glimmer of hope and of course, I continue to miss my daughter each day. Parents, grab your children a little tighter even on those exhausted days. Cherish every moment with them. I’ll leave you with this quote that has literally become the story of my life, “the character that’s the strongest that God’s gives the most challenges to.” – Here are a few of my favorite images of my daughter.

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14 thoughts on “Inconsolable….Unconditional Love

  1. She is a lovely girl. The love you gave her helped her to grow, in a good way. You are a part of her heart, whether her memories cooperate or not. Such a good start is irreplaceable in a person’s life. My daughter remembers people at the age of two, and I hope that helps you. I also remember women who were kind to me at that age, though some of them I do not remember their names, I remember their faces and more importantly, how they made me feel. In my teens I found those remembrances to be comforting.

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  2. She is beautiful Lana! And I am sure she remembers you. Even if your face doesn’t form clearly in her mind, there’s no doubt that she will always remember and feel the love that you have for her. “Earth has no sorrow that heaven cannot heal”. I think of you whenever I hear that line. I’ll continue to keep you in my prayers!

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